Beyond the Backpack: What Kids Carry With Them Into the School Year
- Andrea Simonson
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
By Andrea Simonson, MA LMFT
Parents, September has arrived and with it come the familiar alarms, lunch boxes, backpacks, schedules, and first-day photos. It’s a transition from summer’s relaxed vibe to school’s structured routine. For many, it’s exciting; but for others, it can bring anticipation, uncertainty, and even dread. If the latter is what you’re experiencing, you’re not alone.
As a therapist and parent, I’ve realized over the years that school isn’t just a building; it’s memories, experiences, and a lens through which children view new classes, teachers, and peers. The new classes, classrooms, and teachers may be different, but the memories of
struggling, feeling inadequate, and facing more corrections than encouragement remain unchanged. And these memories quietly but powerfully influence their attitudes about school.
Our brains learn from experience. Repeatedly feeling confused, overwhelmed, or discouraged understandably leads to anticipation of more of the same. This doesn’t mean this school year can’t be different, but our past experiences shape our approach to new situations.
So let’s consider what those first few weeks of school may look like for a child who has found school difficult.
Your child’s reluctance to return to school is evident by summer’s end, but they adapt with new clothes, gear, and the promise of old friends. The first week is manageable through adjustments and excitement. The second week shows effort as teachers assign work and move beyond the “warm-up” phase, but they’ve managed to stay on top of things. By the third week, the novelty of school wears off. The emotional and cognitive effort of adapting to new routines, expectations, and social dynamics becomes the daily reality, and fatigue begins to set in.
Before week four, I’d like to ask you, parents, what you’re noticing in yourselves. Are you anxious for your child? Wondering how long their “strong start” will last? Watching your phone for the first call from the office or school nurse? You may be filtering the experience through your child’s past struggles because you have memories, too.
When we think of memories, we often think of them as stories we can tell. But some memories are harder to describe. These are the feelings we experience, which strongly impact our brain and body’s ability to feel safe.
The beginning of a new school year may excite one child and completely overwhelm another; not because it’s different, but because their experiences there are different. That child may see safety, but their nervous system doesn’t feel it. What often surfaces by week four, then, are not just the challenges of a new school year, but the weight of old experiences meeting new expectations.
What we’re really talking about here is safety. Not the physical kind that we might naturally assume but, rather, the kind that makes you feel comfortable in a relationship or situation. It’s a subtle safety that allows you to be vulnerable without fear of shame, blame, or ridicule. Your child’s behaviors (foot dragging, irritability, tearfulness, etc.) or somatic symptoms (stomachaches, headaches, fatigue) may be ways their nervous system is communicating, “Hey, based on past experiences, it’s not okay for me to feel self-conscious or to not understand the work."
Parents, this is when you may find yourself grappling with your own fears, anxieties, and irritabilities. It’s hard to watch your child balk at schoolwork or resist even going to school. And, honestly, it’s also hard to be around it. Your needs as a parent to ensure they get to school and attend to their schoolwork are bumping up hard against their nervous system’s needs to feel secure. All too often, this is when arguments and power struggles really start to take hold.
In these moments, your two greatest resources might surprise you. They’re not fancy tools or techniques, but rather curiosity and compassion. Curiosity might look like, “What of my child’s needs aren’t being met right now? What of my needs aren’t being met?” Curiosity allows us to slow down and assess the situation with less emotion. As the sense of urgency is reduced, the temperature can come down and allow for better problem-solving. Now you and your child might be able to brainstorm and explore without finger-pointing or blame.
Indulging our curiosity ultimately leads to greater understanding; with understanding, compassion becomes easier. Their nervous system — and yours — calms more, allowing for stronger connection and attachment. And I’ll bet you can guess what happens when we feel connected. That’s right, we feel safe.
Perhaps this September doesn’t need to be about getting everything right. Perhaps it can be about approaching the difficult moments with a little more curiosity and a little less fear. Your child may still struggle. You may still worry. There may still be difficult mornings, unfinished assignments, and moments when everyone’s nervous system feels stretched to its limit.
But perhaps this year, when those moments come, you can pause and ask, “What is happening underneath this?” And then, instead of asking what needs to be fixed, begin by asking what each of you needs to feel safe, secure, and connected enough to move forward.
Because our children don’t need a school year without challenges. They need to know that when challenges come, they don’t have to face them alone.
And neither do you.
Resources I recommend
For parents who would like to explore these ideas further, I've included several resources that I rely on both personally and professionally.
Andrea Simonson, LMFT, is a Minnesota Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who focuses on ADHD, trauma, and the ways these experiences can intersect across the lifespan.
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